Last Saturday, I was invited to speak at a local speech club in Pasadena. The director of the club requested that I speak on any topic that promoted leadership. I decided that communication would be my topic and more specifically, something that led to better communication when we practiced certain principles.

In my career I have observed that most challenges that we experience in the workplace and at home are due to misunderstandings which come from poor communication habits. We think we are communicating effectively but we are not setting the right foundation in our communication efforts.

I am a licensed Prepare and Enrich counselor and have access to their wealth of knowledge. I also admire Stephen Covey’s work in the communication genre.

Covey, in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effectively People, explains that the missing ingredient in most people’s communication efforts is “Seek First to Understand.” Prepare and Enrich describes it as “Active Listening.” What is the main point to these stated principles?

Covey wants us to understand that we can’t move forward in effective communication until the person we are communicating with knows that we understand their point of view. Sometimes we are too busy formulating our own response to what they are saying that we aren’t listening to what the person is trying to communicate to us. We are writing our own story for the person with which we are trying to communicate. We see their experience only through our experience.

When we do this, we won’t be able to convey a sense of empathy with that person. Covey does call this principle empathetic listening. Can we put ourselves in their shoes and convey empathy?

Prepare and Enrich wants us to be sure that we don’t misunderstand what the other person is saying. We repeat what we think the person said and let them tell us that we heard them correctly or that we misunderstood them.

It is only after we know that we understand each other that we can move forward in meaningful and rewarding communication.

Unfortunately, this is hard work and many times we simply do not want to put the effort it takes to effectively communicate with other people into practice. Because of this, we fall short of effective communication many times and misunderstandings and hurt feelings occur.

It is much easier to manage relationships at this primary level than it is to repair the damage that poor communication causes because we won’t put sound communication principles to work.

What we are really saying to the other person is that we respect them enough to really hear what they have to say. Respect will keep open the channels of communication that would normally be shut down in these cases. This gives us time to ask questions that lead to understanding.

Have you had any relationships go south for any reason? Have you thought that poor communication could be at the center of the misunderstanding or hurt feelings? Whether or not you have assessed what is wrong with any given relationship, your communications skills and relationships can only get better using these principles.