I have had several management level jobs in my career where from my point of view, people were targeting me unnecessarily with anger and bad motives. At first, anger was my response but I soon realized that anger did not go very far in working out the situation to a profitable end. How was I to separate myself from anger so that I could resolve the issue with the person who was angry with me?
I had to come to realize that in almost all cases, I couldn’t take what the person was saying about me or the job that I was doing personally. It can be very hard to control yourself long enough to shift gears and come to that mindset. It takes practice.
Years ago, when I was first employed after college, I worked as a PR person for a large utility company in the Northwest. Anytime there was a complaint in my district, one of the Energy Consultants would have to resolve the issue by personally going to the home or business to assess the customer’s complaint. Many times the customers would be very hostile because it was money coming out of their pocket. These were my favorite calls because we were able to be detectives and find where the problem was in their account. My job was to find the problem and communicate to them what I had found in a calm, coherent manner.
One of the tools that I used was a training course in interviewing and PR that was created by the Xerox Company. In it, we would learn how to ask open-ended questions to get the person to talk about the problem. We would agree with their assessment of the situation (I can understand how you might feel that way) and then ask an open-ended question (Why do you feel that it is the company’s fault?). Getting the person to talk always lowered the temperature in the room.
We need to remember that if something is real to a person we must acknowledge that and then find out if it is truly a correct perspective. That in itself brings down the hostility within the conversation.
Many times when they raised their voices at me, I had to realize that they weren’t mad at me per se, they were mad because something was out-of-the-ordinary in their bill.
Many times when our relationships go awry, it is because someone perceives that something out-of-the-ordinary is happening in the relationship. That person may not know how to respond to that and it becomes our responsibility to respond in a proper way. If you take the personal out of it, you can respond in a much calmer tone and truly help the person talk about what is on their mind. It takes practice and courage to take the first volley of anger.
Lee Iacocca is quoted as saying, “In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” What could be more positive than checking our anger at the door and to help someone understand a situation better or that we come to a better understanding of the the situation?
We must remember that most people aren’t angry at a person, they are angry at a situation. If we get angry, the person can shift their animosity from the situation to the person and then it will become increasingly difficult to succeed in resolving the heated issue.
Thing to remember:
1. People are usually mad at the situation not at the person.
2. Try to agree with their statement of frustration so you can ask an open-ended question so they will start to communicate with you.
3. Check your anger at the door and stop blaming. Fix the problem; don’t blame.
It takes practice and courage to get better at resolving relationship problems. The first step is to not take it personally.
Jun 11
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Last Saturday, I was invited to speak at a local speech club in Pasadena. The director of the club requested that I speak on any topic that promoted leadership. I decided that communication would be my topic and more specifically, something that led to better communication when we practiced certain principles. In my career I […]
Communication comes in many difference forms. For instance, we can use body language to effectively tell someone how we feel about them or a situation. This method is rarely recommended because it can cause a lot of hard feelings because of how it is delivered.
Reacting to a situation in an overtly positive or negative manner can also be a powerful means of conveying a message to an individual or group. Again, one must be careful how we act and react to certain situations because of how it can negatively affect those with whom we are trying to communicate.
Communication has become more available for us to engage in but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we are communicating more or better. Email seems an easy way to communicate but is it always effective? Things that we say in an email can sound differently to the receiver of the email because there isn’t any body language and there isn’t any tone of voice. Because the receiver of the email is adding emotion and intentions to the email (I guarantee they will), the message can get lost among the emotions. It is important to be clear and concise in your email correspondence especially when we are going to critique someone.
More importantly, when we want to deliver this critique, especially after rehearsing what we just did, it is imperative to deliver it in person.
If you are going to praise someone for something they have done, it means much more to someone if it is done in person. You took the time to share positive news in person. In person, we can convey everything we want to convey: tone, positive body language, warmth and a handshake. All that is missing with an email.
Conversely, if we need to deliver some critique that isn’t as positive, you will want to make sure that you are talking face to face in order to be certain that the message is delivered properly and there aren’t any misunderstandings. This can be tough to do but you will be able to settle most situations in a face to face meeting rather than in an email.
I have worked with colleagues who prefer to write out everything and in that way leave a paper or email trail. It can be helpful to follow up with an email for the purpose of emphasis and clarity but it should not be your only source of communication especially when delivering critique of any kind.
Steve Buttry in his blog, The Buttry Diary, states that we should be very careful about what put in emails especially when strong emotions are involved.
Never send an email to a staff member when you’re angry. Written messages last longer than your anger. Physical presence, eye contact and a demonstration that you care are important parts of effective communication. The first two are lacking in an email message. And the third is weak (your words may say that you care, but your actions say this one isn’t worth getting out of your chair). You might want to calm down before talking face to face, but a personal conversation about something that made you angry might be the best way to prevent a repeat.
It is more difficult to communicate face to face when emotions are running high. I suggest that you write down what you want to say so that you don’t forget your main points in the heat of the moment. It is better to wait until you are in control of your emotions to proceed than to just plow ahead and ruin the opportunity to resolve any issues that impede good communication.
There are golden opportunities within our work days and our personal lives that will cement understanding and build relationships. Come prepared with the communication skills that will maximize the chances for you to communicate effectively in whatever situation you find yourself.
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Better communication leads to better understanding!
Better communication leads to better understanding!
Bringing the Research Home
talk is cheap 